“Mismatched libido” is a common way couples describe their relationship. One person is the “high-desire” partner, and the other is the “low-desire” partner. These terms may describe a difference in how often each person wants sex, but I believe they are overly simplistic.
In my work with couples, including neurotypical couples, I often find that what appears to be a lack of desire has more to do with the environment. For neurodiverse couples, sensory sensitivities and needs can be an important part of that picture.
Sights, sounds, smells, and the sensory demands of the day can all make it harder to access desire.
Spontaneous and Responsive Desire: Why Context Matters
Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are and Come Together, describes spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire can feel like wanting sex out of the blue. Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. Both are normal ways of experiencing desire, as she explains in this interview about Come as You Are. Exploring what feels pleasurable still requires willingness, with room to stop and no expectation that desire has to appear.
Nagoski also uses the analogy of an accelerator and brakes. Some things encourage sexual interest and arousal; others put the brakes on them. Sensory overwhelm can be one of those brakes.
Autism and Sensory Overwhelm
For an autistic person, a day filled with sensory input may leave them overwhelmed and seeking alone time to recharge. By the time their partner wants to connect, even more touch or conversation may feel like too much. Wanting closeness and finding the sensory experience difficult can exist at the same time. Research exploring autistic people’s accounts of sexuality describes how touch, sight, sound, and smell can affect intimacy in both welcome and unwelcome ways.
You can read more about autism, touch, and sensory preferences.
ADHD and Distraction During Intimacy
For an ADHDer, a noise in the next room or other competing input may pull attention away during an intimate moment. Distraction can make it difficult to stay engaged in an experience they want to enjoy. Research on ADHD and sexual functioning identifies inattention and distractibility as possible contributors to sexual difficulties.
These are some of the concerns we can explore in ADHD sex therapy.
These experiences vary from person to person. Something one partner finds soothing or pleasurable may be distracting or overwhelming for the other. Understanding those differences gives a couple more to work with than the labels “high desire” and “low desire.”
When Alone Time Feels Like Rejection
A partner’s need for alone time can easily be interpreted as rejection. If you were hoping to spend time together, hearing that your partner needs space may feel personal.
Often, it isn’t about you. Your partner may desperately want to connect with you and still need a break. In that moment, the amount of sensory input they’re managing may make connection feel beyond what they can comfortably engage in.
Taking a Break Without Pressure
The first thing I would encourage is allowing the partner who needs a break to take one, without guilt or a particular expectation upon their return.
I would also encourage the person taking a break to offer a time when their partner can anticipate checking in again. That might sound like, “I need some quiet time. Can we check in with each other in 20 minutes?”
Twenty minutes is a suggestion; the amount of time someone needs will vary. Agreeing to check in gives both partners a sense of when they will reconnect. It leaves room to see how each person feels then, including whether more time is needed.
There is no promise that either person will be ready and willing to jump into bed. There is an opportunity to gently engage the possibility of connection.
Reconnecting Through Different Types of Intimacy
What that looks like can vary substantially from couple to couple. It might mean hugging or kissing. It could mean getting naked and lying skin-to-skin, if that feels welcome to both people. For another couple, it might mean a warm cup of tea and some snuggling on the couch. For yet another, it could mean having a conversation about their day and checking in with one another.
It’s about bids for connection. After all, there are many types of intimacy, most of which occur outside the bedroom. This is something I frequently help couples navigate in therapy.
When You Miss Sexual Connection
If you’re the partner who understands the need for a break but still feels lonely or misses sexual connection, that makes sense. Your desire for intimacy doesn’t go away because you understand what your partner is experiencing.
You may also be very clear that the last thing you want is to pressure your partner into sex.
Obligation is not an aphrodisiac.
Often, and somewhat ironically, the best way to make room for intimacy is to back way off. Give your partner room to notice what they want and what feels good, without having to manage an expectation that affection will lead to sex. Both of you need room to choose the connection you want.
How Sex Therapy Can Help With Mismatched Libido
Sensory needs are one part of the picture. Couples can have differences in desire even when the environment feels comfortable, and a consistent discrepancy that leaves either person distressed deserves attention.
There’s no right or wrong amount to want sex. There is room to explore what each of you wants, what gets in the way, and what a satisfying intimate relationship could look like for you.
I want couples to take the shame and guilt out of not wanting or not having sex. There are options for exploring sex and sexuality without pressure. In sex therapy for neurodiverse couples, we can explore those options and find an approach that makes room for both of you.
If you’d like support exploring this together, I invite you to schedule a consultation.